Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Overheard at ConnCon!

...Now with more lawyers, sporks and licking!

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“You know what assuming gets me? It gets me with a baked potato shoved down my throat.”

“I’m…I’d like to see just one chick take a knife with her to the shower…”

“The _____ ____ Memorial Ashtray: put your butts here.”

“I want to be lost outside the airport.”

“You put paper from Minnesota through me.”
“Yeah, it’s paper rejection.”

“I don’t know who these large, hairless ugly cats are that I live with.”

“I barely made it to the Ravi Mart this morning.”

“See, I totally thought you were lying to me about your identity.”

“The part where she licks your eyeball is kind of freaky.”

“The squirrel will be able to, like, see through time.”

“It’s not like they’re trying to befriend a rat out by the dumpster.”

“The dumpster’s a popular place at dusk.”

“My bathtub’s full of paint. I can’t imagine why.”

“If you want to go to West Hartford, we can STALK!”
“Oh,WOW! I haven’t stalked in so long!”
“It’s all fun and games until somebody stalks!”

“I’ll probably get fired if people at work knew how unsafe I am in the real world.”

“Let me put down my pants.”

“For me, shaking works pretty good.”

“You don’t want strange hair on your toothbrush.”

“I wish extreme snacking was an Olympic sport. I could do that – I’ve been snacking forever.”
“How can it be extreme snacking unless you’re, like, leaping out of a plane?”

“It’s all fun and games until somebody breaks a tooth on a coin.”

“I told him not to keep that picture of me. That picture is NOT me!”

“We need a small chicken plate.”

“It wasn’t in Afghanistan; it was one of the other Stans.”

“Canned fish meat?”

“Pardon me while I drain.”

“Excuse me, I was sexually harrassing ___.”
“Actually, I don’t recall seeing you in a hand towel.”
“Hey, ___, I have no intention of seeing you naked!”

“I’m hoping to get into Starbuck’s too.”

“So, instead of renting a truck, my neighbors suck.”

“What is your studio like?”
“It’s full of crap.”

“I lived on the Queens/Brooklyn border.”
I lived to see another day.”

“The password for the night is RALPH.”

“It officially gets 21 miles to the gallon. That’s actually better than 21 gallons to the mile. And it totally sucks.”

“I was on the swim team – who’s ready to get hurt?”

“I am right-handed at snapping hand towels.”

“It’s not flowing.”
“No, we’re going to set it on fire.”

“I have a problem with the word ‘literally.’”

“We can sit outside on the round stool thing.”
“No, I don’t like those two people.”

“I don’t put him in the category of troll, I put him in the category of asshole.”

“Here’s to Keg – the only one who beats you in lack of subtlety is MC Metal.”

“You can have my foot and hold it real hard.”

“You know, ___, if you want to go and grab that, that could be kind of fun. It’s free in the lobby.”

“Is this too freaky even for freaky little friends?”

“You think that’s a boob? THIS is a boob!”

“I only wore my jacket to get through U.S. immigration.”

“Nobody has friends in Hartford!”
“Only if they’re freaky.”

“Who wears suits at 10:00 at night?”
“Civil servants. I live in a city of fucking civil servants.”

“Some of my best friends are lawyers.”
“I wouldn’t brag about that.”

“You should have seen the looks that I got from the bellman.”

“This is not a boob, but that’s a boob.” (No, this is not a mistake or a duplicate. – Ed.)

“My ma draws naked ladies. In OHIO.”

“You know, I’m staying in a room with you. You are NOT using that.”
“Don’t get too excited.”

“If anyone ever wanted to rob our house, if it was a woman, she could just open the door and walk out with everything we own.”

“And these guys came up and said, ‘Hey: snakes! Do you want to put one around your neck?’”

“Write this down: did you have diarrhea?”

“A liquor that tastes like pork?”
“No: port. It’s Dominican Viagra.”
“Apparently, but you’d have to eat 25 fucking watermelon.”

“I can’t even handle my pants.”

“So, this is what you do: you turn SingSnap on, and you record your own shit.”

“And I beat ___ every chance I get.”

“Did you see his stick?”

“Do you want to drop them on the floor first?”
“Let me touch them and stomp on them.”

“That was my knee, you know.”
“Well, I was fingering!”
“When I go like this, don’t hit the lower things.”


“So I took my shoes off, threw them in the door, and that didn’t get me in.”

“Write it down: I have a mole.”

“I am TOO sexy.”

“Lawyers at 10 at night wearing suits blow your head off.”

“I’ll have an ACTUAL Reuben.”

“He’s a vegetarian.”
“It’s OK – I’ll make lamb.”

“I love you enough that I ate one myself.”

“It’s roomy under the bus. We have snacks down there.”

“Goldfish on the floor of the parking garage: ___ must have one.”

“Utensils. I’m going to swirl mine in the toilet. I’ll be right back.”

“So, I just fell into the category of saying something is dank.”

“You can’t cheat with a finger.”

“I don’t think you should ask her opinion on what’s edible – she just ate a goldfish off the ground.”

“I’ll take them back to the hotel: we can have potato chip fights later.”

“The worst case of poisoned goldfish I’ve ever seen.”

“Judgment coming. Not good enough.”

“Bratz. Make one of them fucking LIVE.”

“It’s the red one-piece without the boobs.”
“It has no top?”
I have no top.”

“You swim in mountain streams?”

“No salad?”
“No, I’m full of Trueben.”

“I’ll put it in my bathroom sink with all the ice and the beer.”

“Why don’t you go on, like, a double date with a Nazi and a serial killer?”

“I licked the floor for fucking NOTHING?”

“How many toes do frogs actually have?”

“There’s an alternate universe where the only difference is that the signs say Skip and Don’t Skip. And it rains donuts.”

“As you know, in the Midwest, when you look out at the trees behind your house, it’s the Forth.”

“I didn’t know that drawing a ____ would make me gay.”

“Jose Cromwell!”

“I’ll pee with you.”

“Actually, I’d lick my own socks.”

“There is botulism in my face as I speak.”

“I also warned about Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac…”
“And all the children Angelina Jolie has adopted…”

“I started out with earmarks, and next I’m doing methamphetamines.”

“I want to see John McCain on meth.”

“It’s the Salvador Shit-O-Meter!”

“I was the only one there who was totally shitfaced.”

“If it’s not in plastic, it’s classy.”

“We want you to be drunk AND passed out.”

“He was probably spending a lot of time with your underwear drawer.”

“I just poop into a bucket. It’s called MAN-ure.”

“How was the lingerie?”

“So that’s all you guys are doing? Hanging out drinking and watching movies? That’s awesome.”

“Yeah, but it’s more than that. CHARO is in it.”

“The centrifugal force of how hard he’s spinning is, like, throwing dirt up.”

“I’d be a Wal*Mart greeter and I’d say to everyone ‘Help me.’”

“OK, I fucking hate the Amish as much as I hate Wal*Mart.”

“This is like the Rocky Horror Picture Show for nerds.”

“It makes me want to smash my cheap guitar that I won at the State Fair…made in China.”

“I have a question! What’s the co-pay for crystal meth?”

“___ was just down there licking things.”

“Show me his toes!”

“I want to be a River Keeper.”
“I want to be an astronaut in my next life, because by then we’ll be able to live on Mars.”

“I would lick that rock.”

“I’m dumping all this candy into my purse. It’s so fucking shiny.”

“RALPH has probably sniffed all my underwear by now.”

“They say that the ladies there have naked breasts.”
“Aye, that be why the men never come home.”

“Here be mud.”

“Are you going to light that with your elbows?”

“The person who has walked off with my screaming monkey has brought it back.”

“Here’s to infernal gummi bears.”

“If you don’t want to get sick, don’t lick the floor, don’t lick the door, and don’t accept anything from ___.”

“She licked my ring.”

“I wish everything was run on beer.”

“Salvador, he’s the Renaissance monkey. Squeeze his tummy.”

“I’m working on being a linebacker.”

“He’s, like, the only non…person.”

“These people have GOT to have kinky sex, I’m telling you.”

“We band of ruthless bastards!”

“You’re already starting to give me orders? We’re not even married yet!”

“That’s the napkin of doom.”
“I could turn it into a puppet.”

“We had M&Ms for lunch. But they were PEANUT M&Ms.”

“The only gentleman I know right now who has a sword is THIS one.”

“I AM a lawyer, and I’m going to GET a lawyer.”

“The lawyers definitely hate lawyers. I hate lawyers. A spork is, like, good for stabbing lawyers in the eye, because you can, like, pop out the eyeball. God, I hate being a lawyer.”

“You know, I didn’t bring my laptop, and ___ is too retarded to make his work.”

“I shall disembowel you with a butter knife.”

“I hope you know, honey, she’s showing you his LENS…”

“As the Mother of this group, I think we have all exposed too much to this man.”

“I’m gonna defend ___’s honor. It’s going to be awesome.”

“The more incomprehensible it is, the more jealous everyone will be.”

“I’m just going to threaten ___ when he comes back.”

“It’s kind of crappy, but it’s a nice crappy.”

“It’s not a virgin sword.”
“So, it’s been around the block a few times?”

“I love you, honey, but all I can think about is kielbasa sausage, and my butt cheeks are warm.”

“OMG, can you imagine electing a mulatto??”

“If it’s anything, I’m not a very good lawyer.”

“You have got to take that off. It is giving you head waves.”

“It is BEAUTIFUL shit.”

“I love horse shit. Sorry.”

“It’s an accessory and a weapon – what more do you need?”

“Cat scratch fever? Then we have to go out and kill a moose. And all I have is this blunt sword.”

“There’s no such thing as a nucular war. ‘Coz it’s spelled differently.”

“Kim! TAKE IT OFF!!”

“I have beads! It’s ConnCon Mardi Gras!”

“I’m a boy with green hair and a piercing.”

“Did you buy the rock from her hometown that was put on eBay?”

“Have spork, will travel.”

“Well, we’re just making stuff up and having some fun.”

“You put it back on. That’s why you just said that.”

“He’s documenting our atrocities.”

“Do you trust me to dub you?”

“I am a very forceful woman.”

“You must present yourself.”

“My headdress does NOT turn people into Republicans!”

“And, I think my daughter might be pregnant.”
“Well, if it turns people into Republicans…”

“I know – I can see Russia all the time!”
“You have a map, perhaps?”

“Swordzilla. And Sir ____ the Unwilling to Run the Yellow Light.”
“I was thinking Sir ____ Rolls-a-lot.”

“Do all mine look pissy?”

“OMG, my avatar is the one with the big sword!”

“My Lords and Ladies, I am off to the bachelor party in 1021. No. Seriously. Five minutes.”

“Is this the bachelor party? Is this? Landshark.”

“I fucking invited you to the bachelor party with a goddamn sword? I’m NOT going to the bachelor party with a goddamn sword!’

“Behold! Sir ____ of the Amber Light! Now you must give us all a purse of moneys. Which we will not give back to you.”

“Go! For the love of God, GO! Take it! Take it! Take it!”

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